Am I really going to write in this mood that sits so obviously on the haunches of Christmas bliss? Am I going to cap the year off this way, with so little said in the past few months? The Northern Winds are rolling across the map, and I’ll be staring at the dawn rising again soon enough. With what’s happened lately I couldn’t keep my words from spilling out if I ate a hundred bran muffins….. (gross Rob).
It’s coming up on a year that I’ve been here. I’ve tasted dirt, concrete, bliss, the anger of others, my own muscles breaking down to ammonia; sweat out through my pores as I learn that I CHOOSE when I’m going to stop. I wear more new scars and have wrecked my meager frame more than I’m comfortable admitting. I’ve learned to speak up in new situations and to keep my thoughts to myself for the benefit of all involved. I’ve chosen to abandon old patterns and also to prevent stagnation, reveling in the self destruction of society and rapine culture of wild lands for no purpose than stability and comfort. I understand that this really isn’t what’s happening – it’s infinitely more complex than any predictive capacity we could envision or mathematically devise to excuse ourselves (we really do pay scientists to publish papers on how our world is doing just fine can we can continue on unabated in the glory we cast sidelong at ourselves).
But here I am, still, shedding skin. Same headspace, same brainwaves.
I have closer friends. More often than not I can feel the pulse of the world as it ebbs and flows around me. I’ve learned to bathe in this current and enjoy how life can reflect on YOU, instead of always feeling it’s supposed to be the other way around. I can, once again, hear music in the forest at dawn. I can accept the wisdom of people who are one step ahead of me. I’m not surrounded by walls, but instead people whose experience enriches me in ways I cannot fathom. Even when I have to send my tendrils out to understand when they cannot.
I’ve found the all elusive. I’ve been close enough to touch it. I’ve had reality explained to me. Things I’ve known and been too shit scared to realize. Seen tragedy averted for serenity, and then had that same serenity invite me in from the cold.
What’s next? Right?